Sports Illustrated's "Barely Bikinis"

Marjorie Campbell, marjorie@marjoriecampbell.com

My husband does not know it yet, but I've given him a very Special Valentine's Day gift:  I threw his Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit" 2008 in the recycle bin yesterday when it arrived in the mail.  He'll never see it. 

Happy Valentine's Day, honey!

Here's why I committed mail theft to honor my husband.

1.  The issue - entitled "Barely Bikinis" - should be called "Bare, Naked Broads".  The cover girl, Marisa Miller, wears but a string bottom - busy stewarding her God-given beauty with a strategically draped string of blue gems and carefully placed blond hair.  Hmmmmmm.  Compared to the 1965 cover girl, pictured here, Ms. Miller's future does not look too fertile, unless you value your crop by bucks and gasps of lust. 

2.  "Bare, Naked Broads" 2008 boasts another remarkable feature:  if the "models" wear anything, they are mostly in the process of taking it off.  Ms. Miller has her thumb teasingly tucked under one of only two strings that aspire to be a purchasable consumer item.  I suppose if she wore what SI's male gapers actually want - nothing - then nothing would be sold as next year's top-selling swim suits. 

3.  On Tuesday night, Father Patrick said an intimate Mass for me, my husband and the other Board members of a Catholic preschool here in San Francisco.  Father looked us in the eyeballs - as bold priests seem to enjoy in these small celebrations - and said, "When 40% of men are addicted to pornography, what does that tell us about our culture?"  Uck.  I did not want to hear that at Mass.  And I did not want to see it on my kitchen counter, tempting bait for emasculating the men and boys I love into sex obsessed pansies.

4.  Of course, the yearly swimsuit episode has become a major consumer event of controversy between sports seasons - it must be fueled anew every issue, just as teams recharge themselves with new plays, players and promises.  It's a big game of Money, Lust and Sex in the Market.  And I don't want to play.  I like to play by Christ's rules whenever I can - without excuses.   These rules include the Church's rules which are crisply and convincingly well put by Kansas City Bishop Robert Finn in his Ash Wednesday 2007  pastoral letter "Blessed Are the Pure of Heart".  Read it here.

5.  We have 14 and 11 year old sons.  Need I say more?

So Happy Valentine's Day, my beloved.  I have recycled your Sports Illustrated Bare, Naked Broads ... with the hope it will come back to you - perhaps the very paper upon which I write you my love letter next Valentine's Day. 

Comments

[Sara]

Is the First Amendment still there. I was just wondering

[Deal Hudson]

I always thought it odd that Sports Illustrated devoted an issue to women in bathing suits -- I know the issue has become something of a cultural icon, but so what. That's not why guy subscribe to a sport's magazine. I hope Golf Digest never gets fixated on Natalie Gulbis!

[RH]

FYI, you can always call Sports Illustrated and tell them that you'd rather not receive the issue. They'll instead give you one additional issue after your subscription technically ends. That's what I did when I was a subscriber.